Articles by Larry Chase - Internet Publisher, Speaker, Author and Consultant

Larry Chase - Internet Marketing Consulting

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"If You're Using a Rotary-Dial Phone, Please Press Three"

"Your call is important to us! Please hold." "If you know your party's extension, press 1. If you wish to tediously misspell it via your touch tone keypad, press 2. If you want to pound your head against the wall for not getting what you really want, press pound."

It seems like we spend more and more time navigating our wants from large firms using "voice trees." Some are good and some suck.

Call 800-555-TELL and you'll get Tellme Networks, which serves up your list of favorite stock quotes, news, weather and so on, just by your speaking English in a reasonably understandable way. Impressive.

I believe Sprint uses a voice bot called Claire when they're overwhelmed, but I just tried calling it again in order to write this column and was directed to a real live person. Claire gives you a few sets of options as you move through the system; at the end of each set of options you may choose "other". "Other" takes you through other options until you've expired all the typical ones. Lord help you with any of these systems if you need something unique. That happens, you know.

Below are my "Top Ten Tips for Dealing with Voicemail Hell."

1. Fake it and make believe you're using a rotary dial phone if you've got something that a programmed response or navigation doesn't allow for. Don't let them trick you into pressing one or two if you speak English or Spanish or whatever, at the top of the call. They may prompt you two or three times with a language preference, but most services will give up and direct your call to a live person, or someone's mailbox if no live bodies are available.

2. Don't buy any service or product until you personally have experienced their tech support voice tree.

3. Breathe deeply and rid your mind of all nasty thoughts when the voice service asks you for your phone number, only to direct you to a human who then asks you for your phone number once again.

4. Memorize the corresponding letters for each number on your keypad so you don't have to get your glasses out to try and read them on the fly in the too short amount of time they give you to tediously spell out Stanley Jacubouski's name. I have a card that has all the letters writ large next to their numbers, but I can't find it.

5. Always ask for someone's direct dial or extension so you can avoid the voicemail merry-go-round in the future when you call them.

6. Don't eat anything when you're trying to navigate via voice response. The systems out there are good, but they're not that good.

7. Wear a headset (preferably wireless) so you can freely move around and otherwise function whilst your life has been put in pause mode by the company you're calling.

8. If you repeatedly don't get what you want from a first line customer service rep, ask to speak to a supervisor. Ask again if you have to. Many companies will comply with this request if you are unsatisfied with the progress (or lack thereof) you are making.

9. Treat the tele-service reps with dignity. I find this goes a long way toward getting what I want. Think about it. These people all to often are dealing with snarling, frustrated people. If you're a break from that rhythm, they typically go above and beyond the call of duty to get you squared away. One Verizon representative called me on his day off to make sure I received my modem. When I didn't, he got on the case again. Amazing.

10. Give credit where credit is due. I've written hard copy letters, emailed, and called supervisors or senior people I know in those respective companies to tell them about special customer service representatives who've really helped me out. It's payback. They deserve it.

BONUS TIP: Call upon your sense of humor. Talk back to the automated voice services even if they don't use voice-recognition. This is a little bit like talking to yourself out loud; I find that humorous articulation of what I'm thinking alleviates stress. So, when my cable TV company says they're "The Place To Be" after they've missed their service appointment, I'm apt to say they're "Decidedly Not The Place To Be." You know how companies sometimes say that "in order to better serve you, your call may be monitored or recorded?" Let's hope they're recording some of the vitriol that people are spewing whilst on indefinite hold.